Feeling goofy - post your favorite lame jokes here - Page 9

CoasterMatt · 09-28-2005, 08:52 PM

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

Prudence · 09-30-2005, 03:11 PM

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

SwankBeer · 09-30-2005, 03:23 PM

This is the lamest joke of all time so I have to tell it

What did the bird say when it flew inside a K-mart?

Spoiler:

Prudence · 10-13-2005, 10:45 PM

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

wendybeth · 10-13-2005, 11:57 PM

Very good one, Prudence-lol!

Ghoulish Delight · 10-19-2005, 01:35 PM

If you get this one, hang your head in shame for you are a NERD! (and yes, my head is hanging). It's for the Java geeks out there...

Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. ``Hey, baby'', he says, ``my VM or yours''. She slaps him and he walks back dejected. The second int walks over. ``Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast''. After a quick slapping, he too walks back. The Float then ambles over casually. ``Were those two primitive types bothering you?'', he remarks. ``Yes. I'm so glad you're here'', she says. ``They just had no Class!''

Kevy Baby · 10-20-2005, 07:27 AM

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Spoiler:

Ghoulish Delight · 12-14-2005, 05:02 PM

Why can't computer programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?

Spoiler:

Capt Jack · 12-14-2005, 05:09 PM

if it takes a hen and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half
then how long would it take a rooster to lay a doorknob?

give up??

Spoiler:

CoasterMatt · 12-14-2005, 05:48 PM

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

09-28-2005, 08:52 PM	#81
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out. The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says. "Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender says. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies. __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
	Submit to Quotes

09-30-2005, 03:11 PM	#82
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian." __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
	Submit to Quotes

09-30-2005, 03:23 PM	#83
SwankBeer 3 Beers for Rock n Roll Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Squish Mitten Posts: 10	This is the lamest joke of all time so I have to tell it What did the bird say when it flew inside a K-mart? Spoiler: Cheap-cheap
	Submit to Quotes

10-13-2005, 10:45 PM	#84
Prudence Beelzeboobs, Esq. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gavel - I haz it Posts: 6,287	Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary ...". "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?". The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife. __________________ traguna macoities tracorum satis de
	Submit to Quotes

10-13-2005, 11:57 PM	#85
wendybeth Nevermind Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,847	Very good one, Prudence-lol! __________________
	Submit to Quotes

10-19-2005, 01:35 PM	#86
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	If you get this one, hang your head in shame for you are a NERD! (and yes, my head is hanging). It's for the Java geeks out there... Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. ``Hey, baby'', he says, ``my VM or yours''. She slaps him and he walks back dejected. The second int walks over. ``Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast''. After a quick slapping, he too walks back. The Float then ambles over casually. ``Were those two primitive types bothering you?'', he remarks. ``Yes. I'm so glad you're here'', she says. ``They just had no Class!'' __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
	Submit to Quotes

10-20-2005, 07:27 AM	#87
Kevy Baby Chowder Head Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Yes Posts: 18,500	What did one plate say to the other plate? Spoiler: Lunch is on me __________________ The thing about quotes on the internet is that you cannot verify their validity. - Abraham Lincoln
	Submit to Quotes

12-14-2005, 05:02 PM	#88
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	Why can't computer programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas? Spoiler: Because OCT 31 = DEC 25 __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ Last edited by Ghoulish Delight : 12-14-2005 at 05:28 PM.
	Submit to Quotes

12-14-2005, 05:09 PM	#89
Capt Jack check your head Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 4,174	if it takes a hen and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half then how long would it take a rooster to lay a doorknob? give up?? Spoiler: so did the rooster __________________ a clear conscience is a sure sign of a fuzzy memory
	Submit to Quotes

12-14-2005, 05:48 PM	#90
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is." __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
	Submit to Quotes