I really do suck at poetry...

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Great poem, Traci. Here's my critique, but remember, it's just my opinion

It has a beginning middle and end, which I like. You can feel it rise and fall. That can be tough to accomplish.

The contrasts between comfort and sadness are fantastic. Here's my favorite bit:
Oh, Lonely, come and comfort me,
I'll be awash in your ghastly glow.
Caress me lightly with your tendrils
I take solace in your chill.
The bed part is also fantastic. Everyone enjoys being depressed sometimes and you capture that perfectly. I think the emotions in this poem are real, and the way you state them makes them easy to connect with.

Who needs them anyway? is in my opinion the least effective line. If you could find another way to state the same idea it would work better. I can't exactly say why, but it just doesn't work for me. Something about the cadence, and the fact that it's a rather non-original turn of phrase, in the middle of mostly original lines. The very last line is a little weak but you're definitely close.

The cadence is mostly great. Whenever I do a chanting style poem I get very picky about how many syllables, which words should half-rhyme, etc. With this poem in particular I think you have a lot of leeway regarding "rules". It's all together, no spaces, which brings to mind someone that really is alone, repeating bitterly to themselves about how they really don't need anyone else. I especially liked the repetitveness of "Oh Lonely", only because I personally would use "Oh" all the time when I talked to imaginary friends as a kid.

The only things that I'd personally change are the lines I pointed out. I like everything else.

Thanks for the bravery! Keep it coming!

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by Cadaverous Pallor

Great poem, Traci. Here's my critique, but remember, it's just my opinion

It has a beginning middle and end, which I like. You can feel it rise and fall. That can be tough to accomplish.

The contrasts between comfort and sadness are fantastic. Here's my favorite bit:
Oh, Lonely, come and comfort me,
I'll be awash in your ghastly glow.
Caress me lightly with your tendrils
I take solace in your chill.
The bed part is also fantastic. Everyone enjoys being depressed sometimes and you capture that perfectly. I think the emotions in this poem are real, and the way you state them makes them easy to connect with.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by CP

Who needs them anyway? is in my opinion the least effective line. If you could find another way to state the same idea it would work better. I can't exactly say why, but it just doesn't work for me. Something about the cadence, and the fact that it's a rather non-original turn of phrase, in the middle of mostly original lines.

Honestly, I could tell that when I wrote it. My big problem is that I'm lazy. I typed it all out in one shot and just couldn't think of something better off the top of my head. I think being a truly good writer takes either hard work, or natural talent and I have very little of both. I'm still stumped as to what should be there. Any suggestions?

Originally Posted by CP

The very last line is a little weak but you're definitely close.

Again, lazy and couldn't come up with anything better in the space of a minute. I'd really like a better line there. Last lines are so hard for me.

Originally Posted by CP

The cadence is mostly great. Whenever I do a chanting style poem I get very picky about how many syllables, which words should half-rhyme, etc. With this poem in particular I think you have a lot of leeway regarding "rules". It's all together, no spaces, which brings to mind someone that really is alone, repeating bitterly to themselves about how they really don't need anyone else. I especially liked the repetitveness of "Oh Lonely", only because I personally would use "Oh" all the time when I talked to imaginary friends as a kid.

Thanks. The rhyming thing was really tough for me, because I had to try hard not to rhyme specific words, but I still wanted it to go together. I should probably either expand my vocabulary or use a thesaurus once in a while.

Originally Posted by CP

The only things that I'd personally change are the lines I pointed out. I like everything else.

Thanks for the bravery! Keep it coming!

Thanks so much for the critique. Makes me miss school! Once again though, lazy. That and I've tried really hard to avoid poetry because of the teenage angst thing stated above. If a flash of inspiration ever hits again though, you guys will be the first to hear it.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Originally Posted by tracilicious

Honestly, I could tell that when I wrote it. My big problem is that I'm lazy. I typed it all out in one shot and just couldn't think of something better off the top of my head. I think being a truly good writer takes either hard work, or natural talent and I have very little of both. I'm still stumped as to what should be there. Any suggestions?

Well, sometimes there really isn't anything better. Then you basically decide whether this poem is worth keeping even if you can't get it perfect. Sometimes I write something and little things don't work and I realize it's actually all crap. As it is, it's worth keeping, that's for usre.

As for what I'd put there...I have to put a disclaimer here, in that I think plugging in my own idea probably won't work too well, but you asked.

When I'm stuck for a line I brainstorm it out - what can I say here, in general terms?
- I didn't like the others anyway
- I like you better than them
I'm thinking something like "their loss I do not mourn."

Last lines are always hard - don't be so rough on yourself. There are many ways you can take it:
- Lonely is always there under it all
- I like lonely better after all
- "warmth and company" aren't all they're cracked up to be
- "warmth and company" aren't reality, Lonely is.
etc etc.

That and I've tried really hard to avoid poetry because of the teenage angst thing stated above.

I've always said I only write poems when I'm depressed or conflicted. If you were prolific during your teen years, join the club! Doesn't matter if that poetry sucked - I know mine mostly did - what matters is that you have the ability somewhat, and your poetry today will be much better - guaranteed. Just the larger world view that you have today will help you tremendously. I suggest unleashing that side of yourself. Don't hold back!