Could you forgive someone who shot you?

[Nephythys]

You teach a kid at that age to forgive- you teach them to let go of the hate and anger that could so easily build- and you are rasing a kid with the ability to let things go. That's perfect to do at her age- you call it "coaching" I call it raising a child to do the right thing.

[Alex]

I didn't say it was a bad thing, just that I don't think she really understand what she is saying. Maybe later she'll understand and still stand by what she said. Or she won't.

It's like teaching a kid to say "please" and "thank you." They'll be coached (or raised) to say it at the appropriate times long before they really mean it.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by Alex Stroup

I didn't say it was a bad thing, just that I don't think she really understand what she is saying. Maybe later she'll understand and still stand by what she said. Or she won't.

It's like teaching a kid to say "please" and "thank you." They'll be coached (or raised) to say it at the appropriate times long before they really mean it.

I agree with this to a point. I small children can feel all these things, just to a lesser extent. We've chosen not to prompt for things like please and thank you, and just to model it instead. Humans being the social beings they are, will copy behaviors that make fitting into society easier. So when Indi says "thank you" when I hand him a carrot, no doubt it's just because he's heard me say thank you whenever he hands me something. But when we give him something he really loves and he gives us a big hug and says, "MMM. I love you!" I think that he really does feel gratitude.

Likewise, he may say sorry when he's made a mistake because he hears us say it, but when he breaks a toy and apologizes to it, it's clear that he really does feel regret. I accidentally threw a small favorite toy of his away last week. He was upset, of course, but when I apologized, he looked at me for a minute then said, "It's ok" and went to play. It would seem to me like he forgave me.

Sorry for so many anecdotes, they're all I really have to go by in this instance. I think that the girl in question can only forgive what she understands. So at this point, she can forgive him for the fact that she has to be in a wheelchair and can't run and play. That's probably the extent of her understanding.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by Nephythys

You teach a kid at that age to forgive- you teach them to let go of the hate and anger that could so easily build- and you are rasing a kid with the ability to let things go. That's perfect to do at her age- you call it "coaching" I call it raising a child to do the right thing.

But you can't really ever teach someone to let go of anger. You can only help them in a small way. The girls anger is her own. She will probably feel it at least from time to time for the rest of her life. To try to "teach" someone to let go is only teaching them to suppress their emotions. She can forgive what she understands, but she'll have to forgive again each time she encounters another phase of life that she can't participate in.

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Originally Posted by tracilicious

But you can't really ever teach someone to let go of anger. You can only help them in a small way. The girls anger is her own. She will probably feel it at least from time to time for the rest of her life.

This is an excellent point.

I'm going to tell a story, names omitted, because I think it relates.

Someone very dear to me was a victim of incest between the ages of three and eight. I have watched her walk a path of forgiveness for many years, but this does not mean that she has completely let go of her feelings. She was still kind to her perpetrator in his final hours. But I've also seen her occasional bursts of rage (sometimes misdirected at those around her) and her long-term anger applied to self-loathing in the form of slow suicide in one way or another. No matter how many times she chooses to forgive, she's still haunted by what happened.

I absolutely believe that the little girl-- and the woman I know-- can forgive. But it's going to have to happen every day for the rest of their lives. And some days, they may not. Such is the process of forgiveness.

In a spiritual sense, I liken it to the sort of thing I've seen done by certain Christian sects, where they make people stand up in front of everyone and ask them if they "accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?" That's a decision man is not capable of making just once. That's an every day decision.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by LSPoorEeyorick

I absolutely believe that the little girl-- and the woman I know-- can forgive. But it's going to have to happen every day for the rest of their lives. And some days, they may not. Such is the process of forgiveness.