Some horrible, terrible, foul jokes... - Page 3

scaeagles · 05-16-2006, 08:55 AM

Where did the one legged waitress work?

Spoiler:

A blonde walks into a bar.

Spoiler:

Gemini Cricket · 05-16-2006, 09:51 AM

There were three people in a crashing plane: Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama and a little girl. Bill Gates rose and said, " I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the little girl looked at one another. The Dalai Lama says, "Little girl, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life ahead of you, you take the last parachute, and I will go down with the plane." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my Dora the Explorer backpack."

Gemini Cricket · 05-16-2006, 10:16 AM

Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go,' and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."

CoasterMatt · 05-16-2006, 06:41 PM

"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed herself!? It was just on the news! Reese whatshername!"
"Witherspoon!?"
"No, with a knife."

CoasterMatt · 05-16-2006, 06:44 PM

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup!?"

"I believe that's the backstroke."

Ghoulish Delight · 05-16-2006, 09:10 PM

"Waiter, there are needles in my soup!"

"Don't worry sir, that's just a typo."

Gn2Dlnd · 05-16-2006, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoasterMatt

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup!?"

"Quiet! Everyone will want one!"

CoasterMatt · 05-17-2006, 01:18 PM

If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

Spoiler:

Ghoulish Delight · 05-22-2006, 01:52 PM

A recently divorced man stumbles across a strange looking bottle one afternoon. He picks it up, looks it over, and then pulls a cork out of the top. As soon as he does, the bottle begins to shake and a wisp of blue smoke comes out. Next thing he knows, a genie is floating before him.

"Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you 3 wishes...but there is a catch. Whatever you wish for, your ex wife will receive double."

The man thinks for a moment, then smiles and says, "Okay, genie, you're on. For my first wish, I will ask for 50 million dollars."

The genie makes some motions. "It is done, you now have immense wealth, your ex wife double. Oh, and there's an ATM card in your pocket, you'll have go to the bank to select a pin. Sorry 'bout that, bank rules."

The man thanks the genie, and prepares for his second wish. "I wish for the finest Ferrari ever produced."

The genie closes his eyes, and a gorgeous automobile appears before the man's eyes. "Your wish is granted, double for your ex. Don't forget to register the car, I don't need you pulling a 'Stefan Ericksson' and having it trace back to me. By the way, you must really like your ex to be giving double all this great stuff."

The man just smiles his biggest smile yet. "I'm ready for my third wish."

Spoiler:

Gemini Cricket · 05-22-2006, 01:56 PM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

Spoiler:

05-16-2006, 08:55 AM	#21
scaeagles I LIKE! Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 7,819	Where did the one legged waitress work? Spoiler: IHOP A blonde walks into a bar. Spoiler: "OUCH!!!!"
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05-16-2006, 09:51 AM	#22
Gemini Cricket ... Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 13,244	There were three people in a crashing plane: Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama and a little girl. Bill Gates rose and said, " I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed a pack, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the little girl looked at one another. The Dalai Lama says, "Little girl, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life ahead of you, you take the last parachute, and I will go down with the plane." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my Dora the Explorer backpack."
	Submit to Quotes

05-16-2006, 10:16 AM	#23
Gemini Cricket ... Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 13,244	Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go,' and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."
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05-16-2006, 06:41 PM	#24
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed herself!? It was just on the news! Reese whatshername!" "Witherspoon!?" "No, with a knife." __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
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05-16-2006, 06:44 PM	#25
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup!?" "I believe that's the backstroke." __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
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05-16-2006, 09:10 PM	#26
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	"Waiter, there are needles in my soup!" "Don't worry sir, that's just a typo." __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
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05-17-2006, 01:18 PM	#28
CoasterMatt BRAAAAAAAINS! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: One Step Beyond... Posts: 8,802	If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? Spoiler: K9P __________________ Do you like my photography? Visit photosbymatt.tumblr.com to purchase prints!
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05-22-2006, 01:52 PM	#29
Ghoulish Delight I Floop the Pig Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Alternative Swankstyle Posts: 19,348	A recently divorced man stumbles across a strange looking bottle one afternoon. He picks it up, looks it over, and then pulls a cork out of the top. As soon as he does, the bottle begins to shake and a wisp of blue smoke comes out. Next thing he knows, a genie is floating before him. "Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you 3 wishes...but there is a catch. Whatever you wish for, your ex wife will receive double." The man thinks for a moment, then smiles and says, "Okay, genie, you're on. For my first wish, I will ask for 50 million dollars." The genie makes some motions. "It is done, you now have immense wealth, your ex wife double. Oh, and there's an ATM card in your pocket, you'll have go to the bank to select a pin. Sorry 'bout that, bank rules." The man thanks the genie, and prepares for his second wish. "I wish for the finest Ferrari ever produced." The genie closes his eyes, and a gorgeous automobile appears before the man's eyes. "Your wish is granted, double for your ex. Don't forget to register the car, I don't need you pulling a 'Stefan Ericksson' and having it trace back to me. By the way, you must really like your ex to be giving double all this great stuff." The man just smiles his biggest smile yet. "I'm ready for my third wish." Spoiler: I wish to be beaten half to death. __________________ 'He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.' -TJ
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05-22-2006, 01:56 PM	#30
Gemini Cricket ... Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 13,244	A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" Spoiler: "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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