The APer project - Opening

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Here's another taste of me sketching out "the APer project". This would be an opening sequence. Originally it's imagined as a screenplay. This draft is me attempting to morph it into a novel instead - but it still reads like a screenplay, kinda. It's really hard for me to get away from the visual aspect.

Anyway, it is what it is, and I wanted to share it, even if it's in such a weird state. I want any and all criticism. This is definitely far, far away from finished product. Thanks again for reading!
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It’s morning in Southern California.

Early light reveals clogged freeways. Fast moving traffic meets with slow sections and hits the brakes. Cars of every style, side by side. Squinting commuters dig around for sunglasses. Some nurse travel mugs, caffeinating and listening to the news on the radio.

Out of a sea of nameless faces, in a collage of clothing and cars and morning radio choices, we pause to peruse a few cars in particular.

Here’s an early 90’s hatchback, unwashed. The windows are down – the airconditioning is broken. Inside we find a 20 year old in a button down shirt. His long, rakish hairstyle shows that this is definitely work wear. The latest garage band to hit the charts booms out of his stereo. He drums his fingers on the worn steering wheel in time with the music, pausing only to push hair out of his eyes.

Fly a few miles away – more cars and people than you can even register – and here’s a late-model sedan. A woman in her mid-thirties laughs at the morning show DJ’s jokes. Her look is professional – well fitting clothes in the latest style, hair pinned up attractively. Her manicured nails are wrapped around a Starbucks latte with lipstick on the rim. The car is perfectly tidy. She laughs again and eases off the brake as traffic moves.

Shift our attention to another space in time and we find a 55 year old gentleman behind the wheel of an older SUV. He’s wearing a basic polo and jeans, clean but slightly rumpled. There seems to be some large equipment in the back. He’s glancing at a map and back at the roadsigns, running his hands through his grayed hair. We leave him to figure out his destination…

Now we see a mid-twenties woman in mismatched clothes. Her older 4-door has seen better days. She keeps glancing at her watch and nervously staring at the traffic. The car seems as unorganized as she is, with books, a tissue box, random reciepts, and water bottles strewn about.

Miles away, we find a minivan with 2 squabbling kids in the back. They’re dressed for school – a cute pink dress for her, a logo t-shirt for him. Colorful backpacks sit beside them. Dad leans over from behind the wheel and tells them to quiet down. He turns back to face the traffic. Dad’s in his early 40s, suit and tie, presentable but not overly formal. He begins to merge over for his exit…

Seems it’s time for everyone to exit. The professional woman merges over, latte finished. The young man is at a stoplight, music still blasting. The older gentleman is hitting a small road into the mountains, driving carefully. The family man drops his kids off and heads for the office. Wait, is that the hurried young woman, still stuck in traffic?

As the kids walk into their classrooms, we can see that their backpacks feature the characters Belle and Stitch, respectively. Dad walks away from his parked car to enter the office and we notice that his tie features subtle circles that form the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head.

As the scruffy hatchback parks at a small office, we notice the licence plate frame says “I’d rather be at Disneyland.”

The professional woman shuts off her car and reaches for her purse, her empty Starbucks cup, and a book – a Walt Disney biography.

The older gentleman is at his remote destination in the hills and starts unloading film equipment from the back of the van. One of his cases is literally covered in Disney stickers from many different eras.

And finally, we see the frazzled young woman reach her job, park, grab her bag and dash out of the car. We stay with the parked vehicle, look up slightly…and see a Mickey antenna ball, still wiggling.

[Kels]

I was getting into it!

[Crystal]

Nice...very descriptive!! Let's hear some more!!

[Boss Radio]

Excellent beginning.

So...who's the mid-twenties woman? Anyone we know?

[Boss Radio]

You must spread some Mojo around before giving it to Cadaverous Pallor again.

[Eliza Hodgkins 1812]

First, the good:

You cannot tell a lot about this people from the fragments you've given, unless - of course - you are Sherlock Holmes. But you've introduced archetypes, so we can relate to them. Who hasn't seen the tidy woman with the lipsticked Starbucks cup on her way to work? The man with the kids? You've perfectly illustrated a common moment in the lives of Los Angeles commuters. I can hear Los Angeles humming in my eardrum while reading this. There was a movie (not a good one) called Grand Canyon starring Kevin Klein, that frequently showed helicopters in shots - you could hear their noise. One reviewer criticized this, thought it unnecessary. But that reviewer was misunderstanding that the sight and sound of helicopters flying overhead is an almost uniquely Los Angeles feature, because few other cities require that kind of aerial monitoring of traffic. Like a lot of things in your beginning, it was a really nice touch. Subtle.

Again, one of the things I love most about your writing is your ability to take a common theme, image, person, etc., and by virtue of your own unique observation and means of expression, you make an old scene new again.

Now, what I think is less good:

The way it almost reads like a screenplay didn’t bother me at first. Hey, it’s L.A., why not capitalize on that? But after that feeling passed, the pacing became rote and stale. The sentences were the same lengths. There wasn’t enough variation. It reads a bit too much like sing-song poetry at times. And when working with vignettes something similar must tie them altogether, and I think the similarity has to go beyond Disneyland itself. If you were changing points of view, a complete alteration of writing style might work. Some vignettes written in first person, others in third, etc. But that’s a slippery slope, and if it’s what your going for, I may need to read a lot more before I pass judgment. Thus far, when considering the piece that came before this one, I’m jolted by the complete difference in approach, and would prefer that the freeway piece read more - in style - like the older gent/Rod piece.

I think that some of the individual paragraphs work nicely as they are (the first two, for example), but that sentences like these are unnecessary:

“Out of a sea of nameless faces, in a collage of clothing and cars and morning radio choices, we pause to peruse a few cars in particular.”

“Fly a few miles away – more cars and people than you can even register – and here’s a late-model sedan.”

We are aware that we are on a freeway, observing the various cars, so I don’t think it’s important that you address the movement from car to car each time. It reads like exposition. Obviously as we meet the inhabitants of each car we know we are moving right along, and as we pause to observe them, we too are stuck in traffic. That’s established nicely without you needing to say anything on the subject.

Also, since we are being given details about the lives of these people, and you are asking us to observe them since you’ve chosen to address your readers, why not play a little bit at guessing. You tell us to look into their cares, now guide us as you ask us to imagine their lives. Maybe you *can* tell a book by its cover sometimes, while other times your dead wrong. Tell us to imagine that the woman with the Starbucks coffee did such and such the night before. Who was she with? That way, we wonder how this all gets tied together? Why are we meeting these people? What is this and this all about? Then, eventually, you hit upon the Disney details last, and our questions are partially answered, and you once again go back to the central topic of what glues these vignettes together.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

Every comment is appreciated.

Originally Posted by Boss Radio

So...who's the mid-twenties woman? Anyone we know?

Hey, are you calling me disorganized? Let's just say she's got a nice chunk of my worst habits in her.

EH, good call on the style decisions. I'll probably end up with all "vignettes" (chapters?) done in a similar style....or at least, the variations will simply be a matter of point of view. I'm not too happy with the concept of form trumping function for this story.

This post was me attempting to kick a freeloading adult child out of my mental basement. I want to yell at my random notes on this story. "Go on, grow up! Get a job as a story collection or something! Just get out of my head!"

Originally Posted by EH

We are aware that we are on a freeway, observing the various cars, so I don’t think it’s important that you address the movement from car to car each time.

Ok, I'll give on that. I have this very visual version of all this in my head and it's been hard to let go of that...but I was wrestling with those lines when I wrote it, and you're right.

I like the "wondering" idea, definitely worth considering.

My original draft included many more people, almost twice as many. I think that for an ensemble movie that would work, but as a written story, it was a lot to be hit with at once. I think I'll add a few more back in, and beef the whole thing up in general before moving on. In reading this again now, it feels rather skeletal to me.

[wendybeth]

Ohhh, the Cult of Disney...I like it.

I also like Eliza's analysis- the tie in for the characters needs to be fleshed out, or made stronger. Is it (at this point, anyway) the fact that they all have Disney items or interests, or is something going to happen to bring all of these people together? I don't have a sense of where it's going, be it good or bad. Usually weather or character's moods can set up the type of atmosphere you want to convey- a sense of calm, foreboding, intrigue, etc. I like it and I understand that you are in the early stages of construction, so it's hard to offer any helpful critiques. I want to see your next draft!!!