Davis-

[Nephythys]

You have all been with me as we have traveled through good and bad and even horrible times with Davis-you sent him cards and text messages-you helped me when I was stressed about him-

This is the most recent chapter-and may even be the last one unless some miracle of grace happens in his life-

Davis and his entourage and his drama and the stress he caused the family moved out a few months back-

Friday-after a good day I was out running an errand. Out of the blue I get this message-

"We're being evicted. Noise complaints. I don't have any choice but to come back. Only until me and Savannah and maybe Kaye and Bryson get somewhere else. Please. I'm sorry"

Imagine my delight.

I contacted him (after reaching out to every friend I could to get support and advice)-and asked him when they were being evicted. He said they had this weekend-

Then I told him that I was really not happy at his approach- because it came across as a demand, a statement- not a question. It felt like he just expected me to let him walk back in the door.

He started yelling at me-that he was freaked out. So what if he did not use the right way to approach it. Um, that's the whole point. If you are being evicted and think you have no choice- you should ASK if you can come home- not just expect it. Especially as it seemed he planned to move Savannah and maybe 2 other people in as well.

Turns out he just expected me to put him and his druggie girlfriend up-well, no. I won't do that. I told him that IF I said ok- only he could come back. No one else. They have family- they have friends- she can stay with them til they work this out. ALL the house rules are back in effect and if he breaks them- I will be the one evicting him.

He hung up on me.

So I sent him a message telling him I wish him luck- but that he will need to find other housing.

I got this in return-
"I knew all of those things. I knew you wouldn't be happy with any of this. I knew that coming back meant all your rules would be back. I knew that anything like this would mean my debt was reinstated to you. But I asked the wrong way saying please at the end rather than begging from the beginning. I guess I though that I had thought you would be there for us. I won't give up my family just to come back to ours where I feel extremely unwated. Keep your peace mother. I'll find something else since you have abandoned me...again. I love you and I guess I'll keep you updated. Gotta go figure this out now...**** my life"

One of my rules was no girls-so he thought I would break that one right off for him. So guilt trip, bull****, blame and attacks- all in one text.

Later on Friday night I sent him a message telling him that Job Corps may be a great answer for both of them-his answer?

"I don't need you. Never have. Don't waste your time."

Let's go back just over the last few months-
I co-signed for him to get his car (the one he totaled)
I helped him with the insurance fallout
I picked him up from the accident and spent hours with him and his GF in the ER
He called me about the stupid kitten
He needed me to drive him all over the place
I got him help to fix his car- and he pissed the guys off who helped so much they wanted to kick his ass
We finally got his car working and took it to him
He calls me for things he can't figure out all the time
They come and use my computer
-and that is just in the last 2 months, let alone his lifetime.

I blow off the hate ****- it's a lie. I know it and he knows it.

So Saturday I do not hear from him at all- I do not even try to check with him.

This morning I get a call. He wants to know where Second Spin is- they are selling their DVD's to get cash. They found a place to move into across the way from the place they are getting kicked out of. So I tell him where it is-and then ask him to make sure our XBox and games which Ian loaned him (without our blessing) do not get sold as well. He says no one wants XBox stuff anyway so no problem.

I tell him I am not abandoning him-and he starts yelling. Telling me how I am abandoning him- expecting him to abandon the GF-getting mad at me for not allowing them both to come live here again. I told him that he was clearly not ready to discuss it rationally-he says I guess not.

We talk a little more-he has ulcers in his eyes-so we talk about that for a moment- but when we come back to the current issue he starts in again- telling me how the only reason I would not let them come back was because I was mad about something ELSE when he demanded that he could come home. I was mad at his brothers or my husband and was taking it out on him. Um, no. Had a great day- but I am not under any obligation to let her live with me. If they REALLY had no choice they could have gone where they could until they worked out a new home.

He does more of his yelling-tells me the conversation is over and hangs up on me. Again.

By this point Ria is pretty pissed off. He wants his game stuff back- so he calls Davis himself and asks about getting it back.

Hang on- this gets good.

Davis accuses him and us of taking things away from him- calls my husband a "****ing faggot" and hangs up on him.

Ria calls him back-and they get into it. Ria telling him he will have the cops there to get our stuff- Davis telling him that Ian gave him all that stuff and that we can't have it back at all. Well, it's not Ian's to give. Ian LOANED it to him- without our permission-but nothing was GIVEN. Davis launches into a yelling fit about how it was all my fault he ended up in the "system"-which anyone who knows the situation knows is a lie. Ria says he is going to come get his stuff-Davis tells him not to go to the apartment. He's not there-

Ria goes anyway- they were either not there or refused to answer the door. He tried the leasing office for info but they were not open.

As of right now Davis will not respond to any of us. We have nothing to say to him other than we want to get our belongings back from him. I have some concern that he and his drugged up idiot friends may try something-stealing from us, damaging things of ours- who knows what they are ALL capable of. Hopefully Davis is smart enough to know that if anything of our goes missing, or gets damaged- that HE will be the first one I direct the police to.

I spoke to my brother yesterday. His guess is that at any given time there are up to three drugs in Davis's system. When they would work in the mountains Davis would be better- because he was away from the drugs. Down here he is totally dependent on the drugs and the dysfunctional "friends" he has chosen.

Everyone who COULD help him wants nothing to do with him- me, Ria, his brothers and sister, my parents, our friends. We all know how toxic and stressful he is- and no one wants to open the door for him again. It hurts too much- too much work, fear, anger and suffering.

I've lost him-he has chosen a hard life and a difficult path. Despite all the chances and choices given to him- he has elected this. He has chosen drugs over sobriety. He has chosen a GF with the same problems-and he is terrified to ever be alone. He has chosen friends who surround him with drugs and feed his issues rather than help him. Most likely he will lose his license and then his job within the next few weeks.

He accuses me of abandoning him- and tells me he will not abandon his family- and yet he has thrown everyone in his family away for these choices.

I suspect- and my brother agrees- that it may take tragedy to wake him up. Death, jail, severe injury, homelessness- who knows if anything will ever wake him up. I wish I had the means to stage an intervention- but I don't. I don't have the money, or the emotional strength to help him anymore. I can't let all our lives get sucked down into his.

Sometimes I want to send tips to the cops-tell them about the drugs. Something that will interfere with the road he is on. But I don't know how....or if I should-I just don't know.

The Davis I used to know is gone. Replaced with a frightened and damaged young man who does everything in his power to blame others for his mistakes, avoid all responsibility for his actions, he rages against a world that expects him to behave a certain way in society and then gets angry when it pushes back-he uses anger to control, drugs to soothe, and dysfunctional relationships to justify where and who he is.

I don't know that we will ever get him back-he may be lost forever. I pray he is not- but right now I have to keep myself and the rest of the family working towards being healthy and whole-and we are on that path now that Davis is not here pushing us off of it on a daily basis.

I can't even cry- I feel so numb about it all. So baffled- even a little afraid of what he will do- what news we will get next.

He had so much going for him- he HAS so much going for him and this is what he wants. No relationship with his family-but a drug ridden life of poverty in both money and the people around him. Struggling and raging all the while because deep down he knows- he knows what he is doing is wrong-and he can't stand to face that.

[wendybeth]

Boy, do I feel for you. My nephew has been struggling with drugs since his late teens and is seriously messed up. Nearly everything you've posted about he's done as well, and of course it's always someone else's fault. Sounds like you are handling this as best you can- to let him have his way will only prolong the inevitable and you can't let him damage your family any more. It's his choices that have led to this situation, and only he can change that.

[Not Afraid]

You know, until he learns to take responsibility for his actions and choices, there's nothing you can do. And, your responses need to be along the line of "I'm sorry you feel that way but that's the way it is."

[JWBear]

<<<HUGS>>>

[~MS~]

Nephy, my thoughts and prayers are with you....tough love is that...tough. Hang in there and know that you have friends to lean on when it's at the worst.

[Chernabog]

Eeeesh I am so sorry. Drug addicts will find a way to destroy their entire family. In the name of guilt or duty or love the family will instead enable the person to keep going on the same path. Drug addicts will exploit those qualities until you are sucked down with them. There's a good person inside of him that the drugs have suppressed. This is exactly the type of relationship I had with my parents about 5-6 years ago. Things are 1000% better now.

All you can do really is a) an intervention (if you think he is receptive, in which you suggest a rehab if he wants to go) or b) tell him that if he wants help, you'll be the first one to help him. He needs to be beat down enough to want help. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that you can't force him to be saved.

As far as yourself -- one good group to look into if you haven't already is Al-Anon. They're a 12-step group that helps family and friends of addicts/alcoholics to cope with their loved one, and to not let their lives be controlled by them.

[flippyshark]

Let me second Al-Anon - I've known several people for whom that was a life and sanity-saver.

Stay strong and accept the following <numerous hugs>

[SzczerbiakManiac]

Wow, I have no words of wisdom to offer. I just hope this tribulation passes as quickly as possible.
<big hugs>

[Disneyphile]

Definitely check out Al-Anon.

But, like others have said, these are ultimately his choices. They're not indicative of your parenting - he's an adult and making those choices on his own. You've been there throughout his entire life to help him make the right choices, and now, he's trying to walk all over that.

Sounds like he has no boundaries, so he's not going to respect those of others. But, not letting him through the boundaries will eventually force him to respect them.

Just like I've had to do with an adult loved one - put them on a "behavior plan". When he's respectful of my boundaries, I'll pay attention to him. When he tries to stomp all over my boundaries and be manipulative, I'm "not available" or "too busy". It's worked like a charm, and we have a much better relationship over it.

[sleepyjeff]

Oh Nephy your post breaks my heart....I have no advice to offer, but know you and your family are in my prayers.


<<<<Hugs>>>>>