*sigh* teenagers

[blueerica]

I think it's right that you at least said that you were uncomfortable and had some concerns. To say nothing would have been the same as asking him to call you Doormat, and that's no good.

Unfortunately, through my mom, I've seen parenting gone awry. There's a whole story that continues to this very afternoon that would take too long to relate, but I've come to believe that success will come when there's consistency and honesty and it sounds like you're on the path to building that with him. If I could give you a hug, I'd give you one, because I need it. I mean, you need it, too.

I'm just glad my sisters aren't at that sexual phase yet. Heaven help me!

[BarTopDancer]

My parents house? My parents rules. No sex under their roof. Did I? Yup, but they made it hard to do so. Even at 20 it was a battle (that they eventualy gave up because I was paying rent) about no boys in the room with the door closed. Their house, their rules. I was free to leave.

It's her house, and her kids should respect her rules as long as they live under her roof.

There are also a number of reasons 17 y/os should not be having sex that don't involve what a parent thinks. Emotional maturity is a the top of the list.

[Morrigoon]

Nephy, I think your relationship with your son has come a VERY long way when you are able to handle this as well as you have.

Only you can decide if you are going to allow it in your house. But FWIW, there can be some distinct advantages to knowing where and when he's doing it. (Being that you have more ability to control the where, when, and how)

If you would like to consider allowing it, you can lay some ground rules for him, like the following:
1. Never when anybody else is home - anybody. Especially the other kids.
2. Protection MUST be used every time, all the time. It is to be disposed of properly.
3. He must wash his linens afterward.
4. No telling his siblings about your arrangement. As far as any of them know they'd better wait till they are 18, and you expect his support in that.

This will help him develop a sense of how to go about his private business responsibly and appropriately.

[Motorboat Cruiser]

You make some really good points, Morrigoon.

Nephy, what the hell do I know about raising kids but - my guess is that when you approached him calm and collected, he might not have known how to respond in kind and therefore, did what came naturally and became defensive. It's always a shock the first time your parents actually treat you like an adult - maybe he just didn't know how to respond to that.

Personally, I think that what would bother me the most is him going into performance mode when there are younger kids in the house who can hear the show. It seems perfectly reasonable to put a halt to that. Beyond that, I think it comes down to whether you would like to know what is going on or not know. Putting your foot down too hard seems like it may just lead to less communication and that seems to be the opposite direction from where you want to be with your son.

Like I said, I don't know anything about raising kids. Just offering my first impressions. I don't envy your situation and I recommend lots of deep breaths.

[RStar]

{{{{{{{Nephythys}}}}}}}



I know what you are going through. Hang in there.




~Bob

[wendybeth]

I recommend tequila. I plan on having a full bar when Tori hits that age. Geeesh, the kid has had crushes on boys since kindergarten! Actually, I think you really are handling it well and I commend you- this is a tough one.

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by Nephythys

I have not forbidden sex- but I can certainly forbid it in my house if I am not comfortable with it- especially with the younger kids.

But why are you not comfortable with it?

[Nephythys]

Originally Posted by tracilicious

But why are you not comfortable with it?

Because I, as his mother, have no desire to hear the moans, thrashing and bed springs going a mile a minute over my head when I am trying to do things in my home. I sure as hell would not want his brothers and sister to hear such things-

I mean come on- do kids appreciate listening to their parents?

This isn't sharing time-it's quiet and discreet and if they can not do that then they won't do it anywhere near my house.

[3894]

Originally Posted by Nephythys

This isn't sharing time-it's quiet and discreet and if they can not do that then they won't do it anywhere near my house.

I've been thinking a lot about this, Nephythys. It's a tough situation and I think you deserve for being really clear with your son.

This is only how I would see it with my two girls. They know very well how much noise carries in our house. They know that they need to whisper upstairs about who "borrowed" whose clothes and didn't return them, if they don't want mom to hear. I would definitely think that if I overheard one of them having sex, that daughter was testing me, maybe even "asking" me to rise to the occasion and set/reaffirm the boundaries appropriate for our family.

[Morrigoon]

Excellent point, 3894!

And Nephy, ya rose to the occaision when you had a "little talk" with him. Well done!