Joke Time

[CoasterMatt]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."

[LSPoorEeyorick]

A tipsy man wobbles up to the bar and signals the bartender. "I want a beer for me, a beer for you, and a beer for all of my friends," he slurs, gesturing at the people in the room. The bartender shakes his hand, and shouts to the barflies that this round is on the tipsy man. Pints are poured, and backs are slapped, and everyone enjoys the frosty goodness. The bartender presents the tipsy man with his bill, but discovers that the tipsy man has nothing but lint in his pockets. The bartender flips out and punches the guy before he gives him the boot into the alley.

The next day, the tipsy man returns and signals the bartender. "I want a beer for me, a beer for you, and a beer for all of my friends," he slurs, gesturing again at the surrounding people. The bartender looks doubtful and inquires if the tipsy man can pay for the round. "Yup," the tipsy man says, and so once again, pints are poured, and backs are slapped, and everyone enjoys the frosty goodness. Upon presenting the bill, the tipsy man grins a shi'ite-eating grin. The bartender goes ape-shi'ite, kicking his ass before kicking it out the door.

The following day, the tipsy man is back once again. "I want a beer for me, and a beer for all of my friends," he slurs. The bartender looks offended and asks why he's not included in this round. The tipsy man gives him a sober look and says "well, you get violent when you're drunk."

[SzczerbiakManiac]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said,

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

[Tramspotter]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".
"Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"
"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[Tramspotter]

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[Tramspotter]

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[Tramspotter]

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You **** her again..."