Joke Time

Tramspotter · 08-10-2006, 06:20 PM

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Tramspotter · 08-10-2006, 06:29 PM

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Tramspotter · 08-10-2006, 06:32 PM

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You **** her again..."

08-10-2006, 06:20 PM	#1
Tramspotter Show me on the bear. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: LA Posts: 445	Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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08-10-2006, 06:29 PM	#2
Tramspotter Show me on the bear. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: LA Posts: 445	Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
	Submit to Quotes

08-10-2006, 06:32 PM	#3
Tramspotter Show me on the bear. Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: LA Posts: 445	A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account." He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You **** her again..."
	Submit to Quotes