The curse of homemade gifts

[Matterhorn Fan]

Maybe you could call your mom and tell her that you guys are ditching most of your stuff, and that if there's anything you have that she wants, she should speak up.

Or you could be honest and tell her this stuff just doesn't go with the decor for your new place. Now that you're finally going to be owning, you're going to be decorating, and you don't want stuff that doesn't match. Ask her what she thinks you should do. If she lays the guilt trip on you, then it stays in storage or it falls off the truck. If she says it's ok to dump, then you dump.

Another alternative might be to see if there's someplace like a shelter or retirement home near you that would LOVE things like this. Then all the work your mom put into it wouldn't be thrown away.

[JWBear]

Originally Posted by LSPoorEeyorick

Let me ask you this: would that ugly handmade gift give you a good memory or a laugh in fifty years after your mother has passed away, connecting you to who she was and how she loved you in her own, tasteless kind of way? If you think that, even then, it'll just be an ugly thing you held on to that doesn't help you remember her, then you might consider pitching it.

Or, as the others are cleverly advising, do the swap-out.

I say hold on to it. I received tons of kitschy crafty handmade gifts from my sister over the years. I go rid of most of it as soon as I got it. Now that she is dead, I treasure each and every piece that I still have. Most are stored out in the garage and I would never think of getting rid of them now. They are things made with her own hands that are now irreplaceable.

Anyway, that's my take on it.

[wendybeth]

I agree with JW.

[Alex]

See, you don't need your mom to guilt you into keeping them.

SHE'S GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY!!!! KEEP EVERYTHING!!!!

If that is a motivation, I say* pick one item, throw the rest away and when your mom kicks it you can build a shrine around the one thing.

Or, tell your mom you are throwing away everything you've received from her to date, but that the next item she gives you will be the one item you keep forever and enshrine after she kicks it. So she better put a lot of thought into that next handmade gift. With luck it will be decades before you get anything more than a giftcard to Barnes & Noble from her.

* WARNING: Advise from me on topics of sentimentality is heartfelt but generally considered broken by the larger population. Example: There is no photographic evidence of my first wedding since we never actually got around to buying any of the photos. Example, the second: I do not possess anything that would give evidence that my father ever existed and that doesn't bother me.

[katiesue]

My mother subscribes to the keep everything given to you no matter what theory. This means she has an entire house, and unfinished basement stacked to the celing, of crap. She's a kindergarten teacher so half of it is homemade by 5 year olds crap. When she dies I'm just torching the whole place. It will take years to go through everything.

I say if it's nothing you'll ever use it - toss it. Your future children will thank you.

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Originally Posted by Alex Stroup

See, you don't need your mom to guilt you into keeping them.

Nobody is guilting her into anything. I brought up bereavement/appreciation because it is a valid point. She might not have thought about that in reference to the situation. Mortality doesn't always creep into perspective until you have lost someone very close to you. (And not everyone is a sneering anti-sentimentalist here.)

Jennie can make her own decisions, but she asked our opinion.

[wendybeth]

It's really very simple: if they mean something to you, or might in the future, keep them. If they don't, don't. If you don't want any more of them, say so.

[Babette]

I made a wood painted little drawer thingy for a friend ages ago. It was ocean themed with fish-knobs, metallic seaweed and little crabbies, etc. It was very cool in 1991, but I would not be offended if she moved on from it. Yet, every time I am at her house I see it in the bathroom. She still uses it to hold Q-tips, cotton balls and other medicine cabinet stuff. It is old, chipped and stained. I am embarrassed to admit I made it, but she loves it. You never know with homemade gifts.

If you are ever in my parents' kitchen, you will see a half dozen things I made for my mom over the last 30+ years. She keeps it all, and displays it too. I never know if it is motherly love or bad taste. I want to just take it all and toss it, but sometimes it is fun to show it to people. I made this when I was 8, this when I was 14...

Everyone is different. For CP, I would not paint a floral teabag holder, let alone expect her to display it. That is not her style. I like the idea of telling your mom it doesn't go with the new place. She already said she knows you may not ever use it, so give her the chance to take it. If she really reacts badly to the news, you know you need to keep it in a closet in the new place. Good luck!

[tracilicious]

Originally Posted by Alex Stroup

It took about 25 years to convince most of the people in my life that I honestly don't enjoy receiving gifts, but they finally caught on that it wasn't false modesty and now I don't have to deal with crappy handmade gifts or crappy store bought gifts.

Could you by any chance send every member of mine and Michael's family a letter that says, "Traci wants Barnes & Noble gift cards ONLY for the rest of her life until further notice."?

I really like homemade gifts provided that they are cool things like knit socks or chocolate or whatever. Our families are terrible at gifts. For one anniversary we got a talking plastic picture frame (thanks mom!), a stupid book of inspirational sayings about marriage that my sister picked up from the grocery store on her way to my house, and a whitman's sampler. I wanted to go and introduce myself to every member of my family as they clearly hadn't met me before.

My mother in law gives us the same gift every year. It consists of a basket (or a gift bag) of pastas and sauces that we probably won't eat, some sort of chocolate "delicacy," candy for Michael, and the latest Disney release. I give her a ton of credit because at least she puts thought and effort into her gift. If you are going to pick up a gift for me from a grocery store bookshelf on your way over because that also happens to be where you are buying soda, then please just skip it. I've got too much crap already.

I'm a little like Alex (a *little* ) in that I save almost nothing and I'm not very sentimental about objects. I throw away drawings and paintings Indi does all the time. As long as my mental facilities are intact I can rely on my memories of people if I want to reminisce. When my mind does go, trinkets won't be much use to me anyways. I do save a minimal amount of stuff though.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

I am very sentimental about certain objects. I have boxes and boxes of sentimental items, like stubs from Dodger games, notes from friends, cards and such. Most of them are what I consider circumstantially sentimental - "oh, that's from the day I ______."

If my mom crocheted me a blanket I'd save it forever. In fact, I have a few things she crocheted for me when I was a kid. Apparently she's lost the ability to make purposeful things.

As it is, these items don't serve any purpose, except make me cringe (and yes, I know they'll make me cringe after she passes). I can't donate them to anyone because they're covered in photos and names. They're supposed to be manufactured sentimental items. I have enough of those that I won't throw away - like the photo album my mom made for me when I got engaged - and that have real meaning.

As for mom getting offended - they almost never drive down here. Maybe once a year, if that. They've already seen that I don't display all her items. She's never asked about it. In fact, there's one that has made it to the picture wall that she was happy to see up. That one I can live with, it's a little collage type thing.

I couldn't do the "pull it out, they're coming over." Yes, I'll lie to their faces when I open a gift that I hate, but that's as far as my lie can go. I admit that after tossing the two items mentioned I may lie about having them stored somewhere - but I figure that can't hurt anyone and won't be hard to pull off.

Originally Posted by Alex Stroup

SHE'S GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY!!!! KEEP EVERYTHING!!!!

Heehee! I love Alex! Sometimes I wish I were as matter-of-fact, but I enjoy my sentimental nature too much. It's good to have the reality check though, thanks.