Body Image...

[blueerica]

And I'm totally serious...

I was super-close to posting it on my LJ where only a few eyes could see it, but I decided to grow a pair of balls (no... not really, but yeah, figuratively) and post it here.

Tonight I caught How To Look Good Naked. Watching the show tonight sort of opened up, for me, the thought that so many women have such negative self images. I know I'm no supermodel, but I don't even see myself in the way these women do - and the women they had on, in a great many areas, in better shape than I am. And yet, they were crying. They were despondent. They were depressed. At least I didn't feel that way about myself, right?

The show was fantastic, but primarily for women. I thought it was great, and by watching it, I felt better about myself (go figure...). Even € had something to say on body image as of late.... So, maybe it's something we need to talk about. Or maybe it's something I need to talk about.

While there's a part of me that thinks, Oh, the women I'm friends with have high self esteem, and I don't know anyone like this.... I realize that I'm probably wrong. I have so many of my own self-doubts, and not all of them physical. Yet, I know that my mental self-doubts manifest themselves into thinking about how I should cut calories (I probably should... Just allow me my bacon!), and how I should be doing X, Y and Z exercise.

While I'm nowhere near crying about it, I look like a rectangle with boobs. There, I said it. And you know what, my boobs aren't really all that great either. Thanks to Victoria's Secret they look half-decent, but I know the TRUTH! Or maybe I just know my own version of the truth. I have short legs, too. Stubby, with thick thighs. I feel blessed without cellulite, but I know what's under there.


I know, self-deprecating. But it is how I feel. I am so close to regretting hitting send on this one - but, I'm just hoping I'm not the only one in here with self doubts. Or -- maybe I am wrong. Maybe the women of LoT are as confident as I believe them to be. But, I have a feeling, somewhere inside of me, that these beautiful, intelligent, most wonderful women I know are probably harboring feelings like this inside of themselves. I don't expect a response - but I just had to say it out loud for once.

I, Erica, am riddled with self doubt -- whether we're talking about beauty or intelligence, I have always felt I was lacking -- but maybe I've been wrong. Maybe I've been wrong all along.

[SacTown Chronic]

I ever tell you how hot I think you are, E?

[€uroMeinke]

I've always been fascinated by this topic, and while it seems more prevalent in women, I think we all harbor these self-doubts about our attractiveness. Part of that is our own critical eye that quickly passes over our "acceptable" parts and focuses on those things we find more lacking, so that those features are the first we see and the one's we can't look away from in the mirror.

My most recent internet searches on beauty lead me to what I originally thought was an absurd notion of genital aesthetics, only to find there a surgeons who specialize in it. Apparently with the ubiquitousness of the porn industry, women are now comparing their nether regions and finding them lacking. That's made me think of some of the things I've been hearing from Islamic Feminists about the power of the Hijab (sp?) the full body covering in that it removes the whole body from any sort of comparison.

Still, I think most of us have a hard time seeing our beauty or worse, exposing our flaws. I look at myself and sure I'd like to be less fat, have less gray in my hair, and posses a Murakami penis - but I don't, so I have to accept myself in some way.

I have no problem for people who take the surgery route, even though I mostly might think it unnecessary, it often create the frame of mind someone need to take to see their beauty - alas that often fails.

It's odd how we see ourselves. In my own experience, I've returned to photographs I took years ago when at their first viewing I could only see "how fat I was" where today I look and wonder where I saw it.

Ok I'll pause before my next stream of consciousness ramble and see what anyone else says.

[€uroMeinke]

Originally Posted by SacTown Chronic

I ever tell you how hot I think you are, E?

Me Too!

[LSPoorEeyorick]

Heh, heh, I'm taking a break from writing something that makes manifest of my own thoughts about food right now - which, granted, is not what you were talking about. But in terms of my body image, it's integral.

It used to be 6 days out of 7 that I stepped out the door feeling confident. Or, at least seeming confident. I don't really know, anymore, how much of it is a mental construct and how much is honest confidence.

Of late - following a minor but noticeable (to me, anyway) weight gain that I've definitely been trying to combat (heh, I use the word combat because that's exactly the way I feel sometimes and again, this really relates to my current creative endeavor) I find myself not generally feeling as attractive as I was before. I don't know quite why; it's not so big a weight gain, particularly since I was overweight to begin with. I fit all of my clothes. Maybe it was because I was exactly the same size and shape for enough years that finding myself to be not exactly myself-shaped is a shock.

I have the bonus of having someone who really appreciates me, who is attracted to me despite what is probably a spare 5 pounds on top of a spare 150 pounds. I have the bonus, I'd like to think, of being smart and sometimes interesting. Nevertheless, of late I don't find my physical self quite as attractive as once I did. I don't even have the merit of being a rectangle with boobs. I am just several spheres. You know - oh, wait, you were not at the screenplay read-through, so you don't know - that some days, all I can see in the mirror is a bulbous frog face.



It's not every day - and even when it is, sometimes I just laugh in the face of frogdom, lovingly. But, you know, I embrace that I am who I am, I take responsibility, and I do what I can to take care of my health - which is chiefly my concern in this process. Still, I will admit that these new pounds are, weirdly, making it harder for me to own the room - as much as I ever do.

By the way, Erica, I think you're lovely and I'd never describe you as rectangular. And what I'm trying to say here is that we all have days that are less than confident. And we all deserve to have more, whatever it takes. I'm pleased with "How to Look Good Naked," too - for what it may do for the women on the show, and for the women watching it, too.

[Gemini Cricket]

Ha. I just posted about this in another thread.
My older sister has always had a terrible opinion of herself and what she looks like. It's really sad. As far back as I can remember, she's hated the way she looked. She was totally flat chested and didn't have big breasts like my mom. So suddenly one day she gets implants. She goes from a A to a D overnight.
I don't know why it bugs me so much, but it does. She looked fine before.
Now she's losing a lot of weight. She thinks she's too fat. She's 90 lbs. Well, she's also 5'0". I wish there was something I could say to improve her self-esteem, but no one can do that for anyone else.

[Not Afraid]

I grew "up" in front of a camera, in beauty pageants, modeling, commercials etc. Then I hit about 8 and all hell broke lose with my body and my Mom never let me forget it. My "favorite" line was "you'd be pretty if only.......(insert something I'll never have here)". When I tried to go back to modeling, I failed miserably. I am WELL aware of all of my bodily faults: nose too big, eyes too small, chin not defined, legs too short and stubby, thighs too large, ankles non-existent, stubby fat feet, too-long body, poochie tummy, etc. Even the great boobs I eventually grew are now marred by surgery and a nasty dog bite. That leaves great hair (which is now greying quickly) a decently formed upper body and a winning smile. Thank GOD I have a sense of style! Oh, and a few less 20 or 30 or more pounds wouldn't hurt me either.

I'd prefer to be clothed that naked (but I'm learning ). But, it all has become less important to me the more I accept and like my personality. I'd rather be quirky and fun, loving, nice, entertaining, thoughtful, exciting, true and happy than just purely beautiful. So, Mother be damned (but, don't damn the diet.)

[alphabassettgrrl]

One thing to remember is that only the overly dramatic women will get picked for tv.

I think it's sad that we hold ourselves to an impossible standard. I think many women are perfectly gorgeous, who likely hate themselves for something.

I had thoughts a bit back of starting a thread for everybody (especially the women) to post a thing about themselves that they like. And nobody's allowed to say there is nothing good about themselves- there *is* something wonderful about everybody, so sing it out loud.

Have never watched the show, but if it helps women figure out that they are gorgeous, I'll take it.

[Cadaverous Pallor]

All women - including we smart women - have issues with their bodies, and worry about perceptions.

To be completely honest, (and since the OP is I feel compelled to follow) the really sh!tty thing about being thin is that when I try to talk to people about body issues, I feel as if I'm being discounted. "What's she got to worry about? She's just showing off, she's being a whiner, she's making me feel bad just mentioning it." I've seen the disgust on people's faces. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, so often I try to just stay out of such conversations, which sucks since I have the same issues as everyone else.

I have become far more comfortable with myself in recent years but I swear, every time I go jeans shopping I feel like a freak. Yes, even as I'm purchasing a size 4, I feel like sh!t because they're either way too long or way too short or are too tight in the thighs or pooch out the back. I just bought two more pairs that, after wearing them a few times, I realize don't fit very well. I've learned that all women have some sort of hell they have to go through to find the right jeans. It really does resonate in my head that my body is f'd up because nothing fits right. Maybe one day I'll make a day of it and find THE PERFECT JEANS and buy them forevermore.

Same goes for blouse shopping. There's nothing that will put a frown on my face like trying on a blouse that's my size but is cut for bigger breasts. I've actually had to reassure myself in that dressing room...."don't worry, we'll find something else, even though you love this color/fabric/etc." Diligence helps because it trains you to remember that these clothes are built for the other women, women who have their own issues. Perhaps the next girl that tries this on will squeal in delight as they've finally found their perfect blouse.

I still have times when I look in the mirror and don't like my breasts. I wear padded bras and it really does help my silhouette, but I don't think it does anything for my self-esteem (breast-esteem?). I take off the bra and glance in the mirror, and the word "teat" comes to mind. That's probably my worst and most bizarre body fear - that when I'm topless and I lean over my tits hang like teats. I have a theory that one's breasts can never look good to oneself because your perspective looking down on them is always unflattering.

I must say, Erica, that you are a genuinely beautiful woman. We all have our quirks, and not every one in the world is beautiful to me, but in my honest and subjective opinion, you are beautiful. I do love your breasts, and I've seen them sans-bra. I've often remarked that they were the best pair I saw that night...

[Gemini Cricket]

If I was a straight, I'd totally be attracted to blueerica.