Advice request: How to do with stupid relatives?

[scaeagles]

I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease.

Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.

[SacTown Chronic]

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

[Betty]

Originally Posted by SacTown Chronic

Maybe Leo's wife needs a spanking.

I know I do...

[Kevy Baby]

Originally Posted by Not Afraid

You are adults. You don't "get in trouble".

Try not paying your taxes and see what happens.

[Jazzman]

Lay out what the rules are (i.e. if you want us to attend, reasonable notice is required, if you want us to chip in on things, reasonable notice is also required, etc. etc.) then go on to do as everyone else says and ignore their crap. If you don't draw the line in the sand, and draw it so that it is very obvious, then they're going to continue to walk all over you guys, regardless of how you do or don't ignore their games. We had a somewhat similar, though not nearly as serious, issue with The Wife's brother and his ex concerning his kids, and we tried the high road, ignore-them-and-don't-cause-drama path, and it was just as disastrous but in other new and irritating ways. Only after we laid out what was acceptable and what was not, then stuck to it, did they get the message. Some feelings were bruised for a short time, but when we didn't budge, ever, they eventually accepted it and things are fine now. And don't leave your wife to handle it because it's "her family." Being married means you're in it together, always; which of course you know. Like I said, though, things weren't as severe for us as they are apparently for you guys, but the principle is the same; you can only be the victim if you don't defend yourself.

[wendybeth]

I understand how hard it can be to change your family's perception of you and the role you play in your family dynamic, but it's never too late. In my case, it has paid off in unexpected ways. I went from being the kid sis and youngest daughter- who's opinion was often discounted and who could be guilted into anything- to more of a team member on the family board of directors. With our parents aging and some big decisions cropping up as to their future care, etc, this has been a really good thing- both my mother and MIL are at a point in their lives where they need help and they accept that maybe I actually do have some good ideas and their best interests at heart. It sounds like your wife and you will probably be the caregivers when your MIL needs it, so now would be an excellent time to start standing your ground and letting those brothers know you won't play this destructive game anymore. When MIL finds out it's actually a lot let stressful than just pretending like everything's hunky-dory, she'll be a lot happier as well.

[Not Afraid]

Originally Posted by scaeagles

I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease.

Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.

Well, if she wants to continue engaging in the crazymaking, then there's not much you can do about it other than keep the responsibility for her participation firmly in her realm. It's always difficult when someone is trying to live up the expectations of others (especially a parent) when those expectations are not entirely reasonable. Your wife may eventually come to the realization (and acceptance) that she doesn't need to jump in and do everything her Mom expects her to do.