Advice request: How to do with stupid relatives?

[wendybeth]

I understand how hard it can be to change your family's perception of you and the role you play in your family dynamic, but it's never too late. In my case, it has paid off in unexpected ways. I went from being the kid sis and youngest daughter- who's opinion was often discounted and who could be guilted into anything- to more of a team member on the family board of directors. With our parents aging and some big decisions cropping up as to their future care, etc, this has been a really good thing- both my mother and MIL are at a point in their lives where they need help and they accept that maybe I actually do have some good ideas and their best interests at heart. It sounds like your wife and you will probably be the caregivers when your MIL needs it, so now would be an excellent time to start standing your ground and letting those brothers know you won't play this destructive game anymore. When MIL finds out it's actually a lot let stressful than just pretending like everything's hunky-dory, she'll be a lot happier as well.

[Not Afraid]

Originally Posted by scaeagles

I would that it were that simple. Wife hates disapproval of her parents, and her mom expects her as the rational child to do what is necessary to appease.

Completely unreasonable and the wife is certainly not at lack of fault because she has difficulty dealing with that.

Well, if she wants to continue engaging in the crazymaking, then there's not much you can do about it other than keep the responsibility for her participation firmly in her realm. It's always difficult when someone is trying to live up the expectations of others (especially a parent) when those expectations are not entirely reasonable. Your wife may eventually come to the realization (and acceptance) that she doesn't need to jump in and do everything her Mom expects her to do.

[scaeagles]

Would that it were so now, NA....you have no idea.

[LashStoat]

Take control and be proactive:

"Hi guys, it's MIL's birthday next week, what's the plan" avoids last minute sh*t fights when you know an event is coming up. Mark 'em all up on a calendar, and don't count the number of events (as it might depress you).

Don't be railroaded:

"Sorry, that's too short a notice, we already have another commitment" for out-of-the blue events, and say it even if it's not true. This will train them into the correct etiquette (like toilet training). The minute you drop everything for them, you'll be back to square one.

Talk to your wife:

You can't implement either strategy without your wife's full co-operation. Without it, you'll be undermined and over-stressed. There will be TBB (tears before bedtime), and no man can survive that.


hugs,

The Stoat.

[JWBear]

I still vote for high explosives. Just because.

[scaeagles]

Originally Posted by JWBear

I still vote for high explosives. Just because.

I like this one best. This could be the most I've ever agreed with you.

[CoasterMatt]

Take the high road....

High explosives or high voltage

[JWBear]

That disturbs me, but thank you.